Are You a Control Freak?

Before I delve into a very difficult and personal subject, I must give you an update on our family.

We should be getting the keys to our new farm on Wednesday!! Woohoo! We can hardly wait! We've decided to name our new place "Heritage Farm," a name my husband came up with, as we truly desire for this place to be passed down to generations after us - a heritage. 

Also, a week ago today, we picked up our first farm animal - a farm dog (well, puppy, really). She's a chocolate lab mix, maybe with retriever or border collie. My daughter thought up the name Coco, and everyone loved it. She's seven weeks old, and adjusting beautifully! She sleeps through the night until about 5:30am. She only went potty in the house the first day she was here, but hasn't since. She cries to go outside, even when she's in the garage in her pen. She gets along well with our three beagles. When they give her warnings that they don't want to play or be bitten, she obeys them. She's just been a pleasure (accept for the biting, I guess).

ARE YOU A CONTROL FREAK?

As leaders in the church, we often see commonalities in human behavior. Many people will struggle with the same character issue. We see it all the time. One particular character issue we see quite often is women who are controlling.

How is it I can spot a controlling woman so quickly?

Because it takes one to know one, and I've struggled with controlling tendencies myself in different seasons of my life. At 15 years of marriage, now, when it rears it's ugly head, my husband will point it out for me, and although I usually don't take kindly to that mirror in my face, he's usually right. Earlier in our marriage, it was the source of many problems and fights. When God finally revealed to me this major problem I had, I was so broken, disgusted with myself, and ashamed. I had to repent before God and my husband. It was painful. I realized the damage I had created in our marriage. I will never forget what he told me: "Sometimes its just easier to give in to you than to fight with you all the time." How awful that must have been for him!!! I never wanted to be the one to create such a horrible living situation for someone else. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior. It led me to some serious changes in my life.

I'm not completely healed of this tendency. I find it pops up in certain seasons of my life, like when I'm really tired and exhausted, or I'm uncertain about my future.

(NOTE: This tendency can be a struggle with men as well, but this blog post is directed at women in particular.)  

What's so wrong with being controlling?

• The people who have to live with you and interact with you become miserable! Nobody likes to be controlled by someone else. Your actions will push people away. It is tiring and exhausting to live with a control freak. Others feel constant disappointment with their inability to make you happy.
• The root of controlling behaviors are usually not of God (fear, pride, insecurity, etc.).
• You get in the way of God working. He should be in control.

Symptoms of Being Controlling

• You feel anxious and frustrated when things don't go as planned
• You insist you know what is right for other people - correcting them, directing them, criticizing their conduct or way of living in general, mingling in others' affairs - you impose your thinking on others and try to align others with your value system
• You insist your way is the right way
• When you are too afraid to speak your own truth, you quietly undermine others -  manipulation is a friend of control
• You blame others for everything instead of feeling your inner conflict or taking self-responsibility
• You tend to be a perfectionist, often over trivial things - dedicating serious amounts of time and effort to unnecessary things - you are preoccupied and worry with insignificant details. Do you fret over things too small to worry about? Are you worried too much about whether things outside of your control are going to upset your life?
• You like everything to be planned and controlled, since you doubt the competence of others
• When your expectations go unmet, it results in bouts of anger and scorning - anger is also a friend of control
• You cannot forget your own past failures and move on - insecurity and fear can be roots of control
• You tend to be pessimistic and a worrier about things out of your control
• When you are not perfect, over time, it can lead to devastation and even depression
• You're not able to let things go
• You can't help but to point out others' mistakes
• Others may do things without telling you or hide things from you to avoid your criticism
• You tend to think more negatively - you engage in negative self-talk or speak out loud your negative thoughts often

What causes us to be controlling?

• Some of us are born with a more dominant personality, which isn't so bad, if kept in check and balance
• Some of us were raised by a controlling parent, and therefore, we live out what was inappropriately modeled for us as a child
• Perhaps our early life was so traumatic and uncontrollable that, in adulthood, we control so hurt cannot come to us again
• Pride may also be an issue, which is an unwillingness to accept someone else may be right and you may be wrong. You may commonly think, "I'm better educated or equipped, and I don't trust what they will do."
• Fear is, more often than not, at the root of controlling behaviors - try asking yourself, "Why do I feel the need to take control of this person or situation?" Most of the time, the answer to that is a fear that, if you don't take control, you will lose something.
• We haven't learned to trust - trust our loved ones, or ultimately, God - that He can work on behalf of imperfect people for our good - (this was the biggest one for me to come to terms with - my controlling behavior was about my lack of trust in God, not my husband)

Control is the opposite of trust.

How do I overcome controlling behaviors?

1.  Acknowledge and accept that you are controlling. Realize that your actions and words are damaging to others. Humble yourself and accept responsibility for your actions. THIS IS THE HARDEST STEP OF ALL, but you must complete it to find healing!
2. Confession - the Bible says to confess your faults to one another - you cannot skip this step. Confess your weakness to the person(s) you've offended. Explain that you acknowledge your faults, you realize your behavior is wrong, and that you are on the path to change. Let them know that you intend to do everything necessary to repair the damage done in your relationship. Ask the person for patience, as change isn't easy.
3. Invite (yes, I said invite) criticism from a close loved one or friend. This may be very hard to take. It's hard to lose this control in your own life. But a big step towards healing is relinquishing the idea that you are the only one who can tell you anything. This step also allows the other person the freedom to share their true feelings about how your actions affect them. There are many feelings they perhaps have never shared with you for fear of how you'd react. So you may be surprised at how they truly feel. Do not get defensive with what they say, even if you don't agree with them. That will destroy their belief that you truly desire to change. Accept that, in their minds, you DID hurt them. Be humble enough to listen to their thoughts and feelings.
4. Change your reactions to fear, pride, insecurity, and other roots of controlling behavior. The circumstances that cause you to control are still going to happen. You can CHOOSE, however, to react differently and in a more healthy way. IT IS A CHOICE! This is one thing you should control - how you react. 

Here are a few practical ideas on how to make changes:

• Allow others to make decisions, and don't complain if you don't like it.
• Let others do what they want to do, and smile about it, or do it with them.
• When you feel that fear rising up within you that things are about to go bad if you don't take control, take a time out. Don't allow the pressure build inside you. Take time to relax.
• Stop yourself from giving "looks" to those who don't do what you want them to do.
• Don't allow yourself to constantly criticize. (As you watch yourself for this, I would venture to say you'll be surprised at how much you do this. You will probably notice that, in almost every area of their life, you have criticized the way they've done something simply because it is not the way you would have done it. This makes others feel like they're not good enough. Others may start to do things behind your back to avoid your criticism.)
• Make it easy for others to be honest with you by not getting upset when they make a mistake. Allow them to be human, realizing that you've made plenty of mistakes in your life.
• PRAY! Ask God for help with overcoming something so natural within you. You will need His help, trust me!
• Through this time, learn how to give things over to God - to trust Him with your outcome. This can be very hard. But it can be made easier by listing all the times you have witnessed God's faithfulness in your life and the lives of others (even those in the Bible). If He was trustworthy then, He's trustworthy now.
• Begin a journey toward understanding that not everything we perceive as "bad" is truly bad. God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. He has unique ways for growing us, and sometimes that involves putting us in uncomfortable places so we can learn and come out better on the other side. You are not the master of the universe. Let God do what He knows is best in our lives, even if we don't agree.

5. Create a positive environment. As you begin to keep yourself in check, you will realize how negative your thoughts, self-talk, or words coming out of your mouth tend to be. Try to find the good in every situation. THIS TAKES PRACTICE! Only allow yourself to speak positive thoughts around others. Do not talk derogatory about others. Mistakes that others make should remain private.

This is a long, hard journey, but I promise you, it is loaded with positive relational benefits. You must do this for yourself and the people you love. Although I'm not perfect, my marriage is a TON better today than in our early years, because I no longer mother my husband, but treat him like the man he is and deserves to be treated like. Let God be God in your life and in the lives of those around you.

You may also be interested in my past blog post, Carrying Loads We Weren't Intended to Carry.

15 Years

Today, my best friend and I celebrate our 15-year anniversary. We've had many highs and lows in that time, but overall, it's been the best 15 years of my life. We still love each other like we did on wedding day. And we adore the beautiful family that was created out of that love.

Our family is sneaking away to Monterey today for a little vacation time. We've had a credit at a cabin in Monterey, and we're finally going to use it - 4 days, 3 nights. We're going to spend one day playing at the beach and another at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Mostly, we're looking forward to sleeping in and having no major responsibilities or schedule. We won't even have internet access!

So I'll talk to ya'll when we get back!

Carrying Loads We Weren't Intended to Carry

There are several things I believe to be true about husband/wife dynamics. 1) I believe God has commanded, in Scripture, that husbands are to lead their families. 2) I believe every woman, to varying degrees and methods, attempts, from time to time, to take that lead from her husband. I believe it all began with Eve in the garden. After she LED Adam (her husband) to eat the forbidden fruit, God punished her. The consequences Eve received were not just for Eve, but for every woman to come into the world after Eve. We usually think of Eve's curse as pain in pregnancy and childbirth. But there was more to it than that. The second part of Genesis 3:16 says, "And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you." And so it is, ever since, that women have desired to control their husbands, to take the lead. Some have more controlling tendencies than others. To what degree you try to take control depends on your personality and how much your mother controlled your father.

God clearly states in Scripture that a husband is to be the leader in his home. He repeats it several times.

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." (Ephesians 5:22-24)
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." (Colossians 3:18)
"Likewise you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear." (1 Peter 3:1,2)

But for us women to allow our husbands to lead requires a certain level of trust. Some husbands are naturals at being good leaders. Others, due to personality makeup and the modeling of their fathers, do not come by it so naturally. Some men are assertive, others are passive. Some men are responsible, others, not so much. Some of you have husbands who make it easy to put your trust in them to lead. Others of you may struggle trusting the husband God gave you. Many of you probably feel you could do a much better job leading the family than your husband.

Nevertheless, God has called husbands to lead and us women to submit. It's in God's Word, plain as day, and God knows best. God is not a huge fan of equal partnerships. God, throughout His Word, speaks about chains-of-command and authority. He says that it is best this way. His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. We can fight with this plan, but it will lead to weariness and various types of consequences. I will share with you something I learned many years ago that changed my life. I constantly have to remind myself of it, because it isn't easy. Here it is: It is better for your husband to lead poorly than for you to lead well. Why? Because it's God's plan - He designed it that way, and He asked us to obey.

BUT MY HUSBAND ISN'T A CHRISTIAN? God can STILL work despite Him. He's done it many times in the Bible and throughout history. He can accomplish His plan, He can work out circumstances just so. (Reread the first few verses of 1 Peter 3. It gives you wives of non-Christians TREMENDOUS power to change your circumstances.)

I am going to propose something to you ladies. I propose to you that submitting to your husband's leadership requires NOT a trust in your husband, but a trust in GOD. You must trust that God has your back, that He can work in your favor despite your husband. You must trust that your life is in God's hands.

Believe me, ladies, I've had to confront this in my own life many times - repeatedly. Letting go of control is harder than it sounds. It's extremely FREEING, but for whatever reason, we prefer the bondage of carrying a load we were not intended to carry. We wear ourselves out day after day with worrying and controlling and leading when we need to sit back, allow our husbands to exercise their God-given role, and let God work. We rob our husbands of their manly ability to lead because they haven't practiced it in so long - we've done it for them. We've taken away from them their dignity and manhood. They've grown lazy because their wives have done their job for them for years. It's not healthy for either husband or wife.

WHAT ABOUT WHEN HE SCREWS UP? What about it? He's human. He will fail at times, just like you. But what should you do when you fail? Get up and try again. Early in our marriage, I would expect my husband to be as wise as my father was. But then I realized that my father grew in wisdom throughout his 25 years of marriage. He didn't just ARRIVE on day one of his marriage with all that wisdom. Wisdom comes with years of life experience. You live and learn. So, will your husband make mistakes? Absolutely! And then you have a choice to make. You can either really make him feel bad and pay for it by making sure he knows how disappointed you are with him. Or, you can hold him up and let him know that you love him despite his mistakes, and know that he meant well, all the while, praying fervently to God on his behalf. He feels bad enough without your help.

BUT I'M SCARED TO LET GO! I have been, too, many times over the years. It's very hard, putting your life and your children's lives in the hands of another! But I've had to ask myself over and over, "What's the worst that could happen?" For example, finances may not be as strong as they would if you'd manage them. So what? Your husband must answer to God for how he manages your family's finances, not you. You may have to downsize your house and live more frugally. Is that the end of the world? Life is not supposed to be fair, ladies. It is NOT by accident that you are in the marriage you are in. God may be trying to teach you something. Don't miss out!

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW MY HUSBAND. You're right, I don't know every husband. But God's commands were for everyone. Now, if you're being physically abused by your husband and your life is in danger, please, please, get out and get help. But for most of us, our lives are not at risk. We can think of lots of reasons why God's commands are not for OUR situation, but God didn't type, "unless..." after His command. Let's make sure we aren't making excuses to avoid obeying Him. Remember, blessings come with obedience ("Obedience is better than sacrifice..." 1 Samuel 15:22), and consequences always come with disobedience. The consequences are never pleasant, trust me.



MY CHALLENGE TO YOU TODAY: Try it out, God's way! Just for a week, to start. Try to agree with your husband more than you disagree. Don't challenge every thought he expresses. Don't put him down for every mistake he makes. But do the OPPOSITE of what you would usually do. PRAY! Pray and ask God to change your heart. It's not about controlling your tongue, for out of the abundance of the HEART the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34). You must have a heart-change. You must look at your husband as God's appointed leader in your life, as God's child trying to navigate through life just as you are, trying to do his best. Try not to look at the externals, but down deep into the root of your husband's character. Some of those things that annoy you, perhaps you will gain insight to the root of those issues - where they come from. Gals, your husbands are fallen individuals just as you are. We all have sinned and fallen short (Romans 3:23). We must decrease and let God increase in our lives. For many of you, it will take an act of God to let go of control and let your husband take his rightful place in your home. I encourage you to try it God's way, and learn to trust in the Lord of all creation! He loves you and wants what is best for you more than you do yourself!

A MESSAGE TO YOU SINGLE LADIES: Knowing this truth, let me encourage you ladies to seek a husband you can truly follow. Do not settle or marry out of desperation or infatuation. Make sure your husband will be someone unto whom you can submit yourself.